I'm tired. I need to graduate. I need to move away. I need to start a new life. I need to focus on pleasing only myself.
I don't want to compete anymore. Not for grades, not for attention, and definitely not to be the best.
I don't want to worry about what other people think anymore. Not friends, teachers, and definitely not boys.
I don't want to carry baggage from my past anymore.
I don't want to dress to impress anymore.
I don't want to study anymore.
I don't want to be boxed in anymore. I want to express myself without fear of failure.
I don't want to be friends with my friends anymore, I don't want to live here anymore, and I don't want this life anymore.
Get me out of here!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Why The World Doesn't Need Superman
(writer's note: I wrote this as a passive aggressive way of telling everyone how much that one guy hurt me. Because he like Superman so much, Superman represents him in this creative non-fiction piece. Since not everyone knew that about him, nobody really knows it was about him. The title is taken from an article written by Lois Lane in one of the Superman movies. So without further ado...)
I’ve always believed that Superman is inferior to many other superheroes. At first glance, Superman appears to be pretty great. He has a plethora of superpowers, he saves lives, and he has a flashy costume, but these things disguise the fact, that not only is he just an ordinary guy in a cape, but also that having the appearance of flawlessness is simply not as desirable as people believe it to be.
The mere fact that he is more or less indestructible is enough to turn me off. Face it, anytime you have a protagonist who’s only weakness is some rare rock from outer space, the plot gets real boring, real fast. Who wants to see/read about a hero who is completely unafraid of going into battle against their enemy, and is not only hopeful for a win, but is utterly and completely confident beyond all doubt that they will? And then does? Superman would be more relatable if he ran into some hard times once in a while. In addition, Superman is equipped with many, many superpowers. If he couldn’t solve a problem with his current skill set, the writers simply gave him a power that would help him do that.
Superman fights crime, but he doesn’t solve it. He is a mindless, law-upholding shell of someone who should be able to think for themself but can’t. Or won’t. What I mean is this: where another superhero would convince a criminal to drop their gun and walk away from a life of crime, Superman would rather melt that gun with his heat-vision, put the criminal behind bars, and turn them into a thug in just a few months after they are released.
Superman is not a hero. Perhaps Lois Lane said it best in Superman Returns after Superman leaves Metropolis:
"From the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. He seemed too good to be true. A man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. A man who never lied. A man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero. He chose to fight for truth, justice and the American way, And we chose to believe. Does a hero walk out on his family? Walk away from his children? After letting us place our hopes on him, his disappearance must be seen nothing short of abandonment. We must ask our selves if Superman returned would we welcome him back? Could he heal the scars he left behind? We have learned from our bad judgement, and we are not prepared to make the same mistake again. He has lost our trust, he betrayed us. He turned his us back on us and walked away. We would have to question his motives for his return.
She then goes on to explain a real hero. The ones around us. The ones without superpowers or capes. The ones that don’t attempt to hide who they really are behind a thin disguise of a pair of glasses. Teachers, policemen, firefighters, and parents.
“Does one have to have superpowers, special abilities or incredible talent to be a considerable one? Well that's what we’ve been led to believe. We put our trust, not in God, but in Superman – In Superman We Trust. We trusted you, we all trusted you…I trusted you. Does he feel remorse, guilt or shame? Does he simply not care? Perhaps he really is a Man of Steel – cold, emotionless and hardened by his own immortality. Would he say sorry?”
She concludes by saying that it would have been better if Superman had never come at all, and I would agree with her. He was never the super man that everyone was fooled into thinking he was, and there are heroes, super and other wise, that are far superior to him. Like Batman.
...And We're Back!
It sure has been a while since I posted.
Lately I've been on a journey of self-discovery. Well...of re-self-discovery. Of re-discovering myself. Whatever. I had begun identifying myself as that one guy's other half. I was re-shaping my entire life to include him, and then suddenly he was gone. Suddenly I had to be an independent person again, and I had no idea how to do that. You don't just wake up one day and realize who you are. It's a process, not an event. So, here's how I began (note that this process may be different for you):
1. I had a realization. I hadn't done anything for myself in a long time. Everything was all about him, or about other people (teachers, friends, boss, etc.) So I made a couple days all about me. I took off work. I went to the library. I only did the things I wanted to do. I read some books, I ate junk food, and I watched (500) Days of Summer. Twice.
2. I had another realization. I didn't believe any of the bullcrap cliche's everyone was telling me. The only person I was going to believe, I realized, was myself. So immediately, I stopped all of the negative self-talk. I stopped telling myself who I wasn't and started telling myself who I was. And I told other people. It was important that I told other people how I awesome I am (the people who already knew, I didn't want to sound like I was boasting to people I barely knew). Somehow, saying it out loud made it real. My self esteem has been getting re-built, just through that simple act.
3. I don't really have a three. Mainly, it's just the continuance of these things. Doing things for myself, getting back into hobbies and things I enjoy doing, and having positive self-talk.
I really love reading (young adult fantasy lit), listening to music (Regina Spektor and She and Him are a couple favorites), listening to podcasts (check out This American Life, The Moth, and We're Alive), and sewing (Pinterest and Stumbleupon are huge time wasters, but huge inspiration boosters for crafts).
Lately I've been on a journey of self-discovery. Well...of re-self-discovery. Of re-discovering myself. Whatever. I had begun identifying myself as that one guy's other half. I was re-shaping my entire life to include him, and then suddenly he was gone. Suddenly I had to be an independent person again, and I had no idea how to do that. You don't just wake up one day and realize who you are. It's a process, not an event. So, here's how I began (note that this process may be different for you):
1. I had a realization. I hadn't done anything for myself in a long time. Everything was all about him, or about other people (teachers, friends, boss, etc.) So I made a couple days all about me. I took off work. I went to the library. I only did the things I wanted to do. I read some books, I ate junk food, and I watched (500) Days of Summer. Twice.
2. I had another realization. I didn't believe any of the bullcrap cliche's everyone was telling me. The only person I was going to believe, I realized, was myself. So immediately, I stopped all of the negative self-talk. I stopped telling myself who I wasn't and started telling myself who I was. And I told other people. It was important that I told other people how I awesome I am (the people who already knew, I didn't want to sound like I was boasting to people I barely knew). Somehow, saying it out loud made it real. My self esteem has been getting re-built, just through that simple act.
3. I don't really have a three. Mainly, it's just the continuance of these things. Doing things for myself, getting back into hobbies and things I enjoy doing, and having positive self-talk.
I really love reading (young adult fantasy lit), listening to music (Regina Spektor and She and Him are a couple favorites), listening to podcasts (check out This American Life, The Moth, and We're Alive), and sewing (Pinterest and Stumbleupon are huge time wasters, but huge inspiration boosters for crafts).
Thursday, September 29, 2011
"I am a block of wood" (And another big change)
One of my favorite movies (despite the cheesiness) is Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. There's a lot of really great lessons in it. One of the characters, Mahoney, feels stuck. Her boss, and mentor, gives her what he calls, a congreve cube. Mahoney insists it is just a block of wood. Her boss asks her what she thinks she could do with it. "I'm sure I could think of a million things to do with a block of wood," she says. "Of course there are a million things you could do with a block of wood, Mahoney, but what do you think would happen, if someone, just once, believed in it."
Of course this confused me the first time I watched it, and Mahoney too, until the end of the movie. Her friend, the "mutant" (accountant) is a disbeliever of magic through the whole movie until right at the end. He says, "Now...I believe that you can make it be anything that you want. It's you. You...are a block of wood."
She then proceeds to make all sorts of magic happen. For the first time, I am seriously considering grad school. I didn't think I was cut out for it. How could I be? But just two days ago, one of my professors, whom I greatly admire told me that I would do very well. He said he would write me a letter of recommendation, and he doesn't do that for anyone. Today he told me that he knows I would do so well, that if I wanted to stay here for grad school, he would fight for me to have a tuition waiver AND a paid assistantship. I am a block of wood. Someone believes in me, and I actually feel like maybe I could do some really great things. "What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed."
And that's what I need.
Of course this confused me the first time I watched it, and Mahoney too, until the end of the movie. Her friend, the "mutant" (accountant) is a disbeliever of magic through the whole movie until right at the end. He says, "Now...I believe that you can make it be anything that you want. It's you. You...are a block of wood."
She then proceeds to make all sorts of magic happen. For the first time, I am seriously considering grad school. I didn't think I was cut out for it. How could I be? But just two days ago, one of my professors, whom I greatly admire told me that I would do very well. He said he would write me a letter of recommendation, and he doesn't do that for anyone. Today he told me that he knows I would do so well, that if I wanted to stay here for grad school, he would fight for me to have a tuition waiver AND a paid assistantship. I am a block of wood. Someone believes in me, and I actually feel like maybe I could do some really great things. "What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed."
And that's what I need.
Big changes
Big: I got a new job
Bigger: I'm not getting married to Jarom
I will now be working for a man named Raymond Grant (google him. He's legit.) I will be doing a little marketing, a little social media management, and a little event planning. More pay. Looks better on a resume. I'll miss my co-workers.
Jarom has courageously revealed to me some major character flaws and it is in my best interest not to marry him. anger management issues, compulsive liar, pornography addict. We're still friends. Things are weird. And I hate that I can't make myself hate him for it.
UPDATE: I can now hate him for it. I have found out that he cheated on me. What a great man he is.
Bigger: I'm not getting married to Jarom
I will now be working for a man named Raymond Grant (google him. He's legit.) I will be doing a little marketing, a little social media management, and a little event planning. More pay. Looks better on a resume. I'll miss my co-workers.
Jarom has courageously revealed to me some major character flaws and it is in my best interest not to marry him. anger management issues, compulsive liar, pornography addict. We're still friends. Things are weird. And I hate that I can't make myself hate him for it.
UPDATE: I can now hate him for it. I have found out that he cheated on me. What a great man he is.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
TMI
I've never been to a lady doctor before, and I used to be terrified of going to the gynecologist. Today I say: bring it on.
Today is the one day out of every month that it is absolutely necessary for me to stay home and I can't. I have severe cramps. They are worse than most women have them. Many of my girlfriends don't even have cramps. Ever. Which is a complete injustice by the way. Mine are so bad that they interfere with my life and cause me to be unable to function, only today I am unable to stay home and lay in bed until it's over. So I'm at work. Where I cannot lay down and I must keep a smile on my face to fool everyone around me. Didn't I take something for it? Of course I did. I took four ibuprofen. It didn't help.
Cramps like these make me want to do one of two things: either punch everyone I see in the face, or curl up on the floor in the fetal position and cry. I feel like I have the right to act like a total bitch on days like this. Oh, and I swear a lot.
I'm getting married in about eight months. Before that time I will have to visit a gynecologist and get a birth control prescription. I say, if it will help my cramps, why wait? It's for me and for the safety of everyone around me.
Today is the one day out of every month that it is absolutely necessary for me to stay home and I can't. I have severe cramps. They are worse than most women have them. Many of my girlfriends don't even have cramps. Ever. Which is a complete injustice by the way. Mine are so bad that they interfere with my life and cause me to be unable to function, only today I am unable to stay home and lay in bed until it's over. So I'm at work. Where I cannot lay down and I must keep a smile on my face to fool everyone around me. Didn't I take something for it? Of course I did. I took four ibuprofen. It didn't help.
Cramps like these make me want to do one of two things: either punch everyone I see in the face, or curl up on the floor in the fetal position and cry. I feel like I have the right to act like a total bitch on days like this. Oh, and I swear a lot.
I'm getting married in about eight months. Before that time I will have to visit a gynecologist and get a birth control prescription. I say, if it will help my cramps, why wait? It's for me and for the safety of everyone around me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Weekend Blues
The first week of school is over. It's the first real weekend without Jarom. Honestly, I didn't miss him too much during the week. I thought about him, but I didn't really have time to miss him, I was always moving on to the next thing.
It's now barely the weekend and I am feeling so depressed. Went to a comedian tonight. She was wonderful, but laughing felt like a chore. It was heavy, and when I forced myself to laugh in hopes to "fake it till ya make it", it felt unnatural and uncomfortable. So I stopped. No laughing for me. On the car ride over to my friend Melissa's house, music was playing, but singing was wrong. It just felt wrong. I couldn't bring myself to sing. That's a happy thing. I felt hungry for something that I didn't have, and probably wouldn't even know what it was if I saw it anyway. It seems that there is a gaping hole in my life. A hole that can only be filled by Jarom. Everything felt wrong tonight because it could only have been right with him beside me.
I got into my car and I cried. Not just cried. I sobbed. Loudly. To myself because there is no one to share my feelings with. The whole way to the store I cried and wondered out loud about the possible ways around this. There were few, and even those were extremely improbable. There is no way out of this. I feel completely trapped. Like I'm a hostage being held here against my will.
How can I possibly make it through this? One week down fifteen more to go. And then there's spring semester.
It's now barely the weekend and I am feeling so depressed. Went to a comedian tonight. She was wonderful, but laughing felt like a chore. It was heavy, and when I forced myself to laugh in hopes to "fake it till ya make it", it felt unnatural and uncomfortable. So I stopped. No laughing for me. On the car ride over to my friend Melissa's house, music was playing, but singing was wrong. It just felt wrong. I couldn't bring myself to sing. That's a happy thing. I felt hungry for something that I didn't have, and probably wouldn't even know what it was if I saw it anyway. It seems that there is a gaping hole in my life. A hole that can only be filled by Jarom. Everything felt wrong tonight because it could only have been right with him beside me.
I got into my car and I cried. Not just cried. I sobbed. Loudly. To myself because there is no one to share my feelings with. The whole way to the store I cried and wondered out loud about the possible ways around this. There were few, and even those were extremely improbable. There is no way out of this. I feel completely trapped. Like I'm a hostage being held here against my will.
How can I possibly make it through this? One week down fifteen more to go. And then there's spring semester.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day 4 Without you
Dear Jarom,
Today was a good day. The best part was our Skype session. Although we had more than a couple technical difficulties, it proved to me that maybe this long distance thing won't be as bad as I thought it would be. I liked being able to see all your goofy faces and hear your voice. As ridiculous as it is that is has only been 4 days, I miss you so much. More than I ever thought I could miss another person. We're gonna make it through this.
Brenna
PS I love you more
Today was a good day. The best part was our Skype session. Although we had more than a couple technical difficulties, it proved to me that maybe this long distance thing won't be as bad as I thought it would be. I liked being able to see all your goofy faces and hear your voice. As ridiculous as it is that is has only been 4 days, I miss you so much. More than I ever thought I could miss another person. We're gonna make it through this.
Brenna
PS I love you more
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Day 2 Without you
Dear Jarom,
Things were slightly better today. I didn't miss you any less, but not so many things went wrong. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not just a piece, but a huge part of myself. I can't wait to get that part of me back. I can't wait to have you back.
Things were slightly better today. I didn't miss you any less, but not so many things went wrong. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not just a piece, but a huge part of myself. I can't wait to get that part of me back. I can't wait to have you back.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day 1 Without You
Dear Jarom,
Today is the first day in this town without you. It was a rough day. The first of many I suppose. I miss you so much already. I have been so busy, but every moment I have had to stop and think is a moment that brings me back to you. I haven't cried. Much. Not as much as I thought I would. I don't think it has quite hit me yet that you are no longer a twenty-five minute drive. I feel so melancholy and I don't have much of an appetite. Each thing that has gone wrong today I blame on your absence. "If Jarom were with me this wouldn't be happening" is what I have been saying all day. I am surrounded by friends tonight, but yet I feel lonely. I keep reminding myself that it's eight months till the rest of eternity and it helps to stave off the tears.
I love you.
Brenna
Today is the first day in this town without you. It was a rough day. The first of many I suppose. I miss you so much already. I have been so busy, but every moment I have had to stop and think is a moment that brings me back to you. I haven't cried. Much. Not as much as I thought I would. I don't think it has quite hit me yet that you are no longer a twenty-five minute drive. I feel so melancholy and I don't have much of an appetite. Each thing that has gone wrong today I blame on your absence. "If Jarom were with me this wouldn't be happening" is what I have been saying all day. I am surrounded by friends tonight, but yet I feel lonely. I keep reminding myself that it's eight months till the rest of eternity and it helps to stave off the tears.
I love you.
Brenna
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Becoming Brenna
This summer has been the best summer of my life. Have I said that already? It has. There are so many reasons why this summer has been so wonderful. I've already mentioned all of the fun and exciting things I got to do over the past few months. I mean, it's nothing like travelling to Europe or skydiving or anything like that, just traditional summer type things.
All of those little somethings really add up though. And of course there are some big things that happened to me this summer.
For one thing, I became way better friends with my little sister this summer. I feel like our relationship has really been strengthened. We're not just sisters now. We're friends, and that is really important to me.
I fell in love. Yes, I've already mentioned this several times, but it is a big deal. Jarom has had a huge impact on my life. Being with him has turned me into the best version of myself. Which brings me to the next thing.
Self-improvement. You remember how at the end of the school year I felt a little lost? I felt as though my identity was sort of slipping away. Letting go of the honors program was really hard because that has been who I am the entire time I've been in college. That was all I was actually. I wasn't much more than books and honors activities. This summer has been a pathway to self-discovery. I feel a much more defined sense of self. I may not know precisely where I'm going or how I'm getting there, but I know who I am and that means so much. I'm unique. I do have talents. I may not be a superstar at any one thing in particular, but I have many skills. I know a little about a lot of things. I'm in a stable, mature relationship. I have become stronger in my religion. I know what my priorities are in life.
This summer I became Brenna. I became myself again, and actually improved on whatever was there before. I am the best me I have ever been and things are looking good. The future is not something to fear, it's something to look forward to. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy every moment of the present. Life is pretty darn good.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A Post You Can Ignore
So. This isn't a post that is meant for your entertainment. This is a post meant to help me sort out my feelings. Feel free to stop reading. Right. Now.
Here's the basic facts: I love Jarom. I've never been in love before. I didn't realize what it does to you.
I didn't realize that love is sort of a fog around a person. In the back of your mind you know they aren't perfect, but you sort of see them as a kind of perfect. Love creates this illusion. And then over time you, of course, get to know them better. You want to. You think you want to. To know all about them. But then you learn something. It's one of their biggest flaws, and suddenly, the illusion is shattered. Your bubble is popped in an instant.
It's not that you love them any less for it. And you still believe they don't need to be perfect because nobody is, and you never expected them to be, but now that they are no longer cloaked in your fantasies, they do not, can not, and will not look the same as they did before.
Now you have to find a new way of looking at them. You have to see them as a different kind of perfect. Perfect in all their flaws and weaknesses. Perfect in all their fears and insecurities.
"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
- Bob Marley
"(S)He's not perfect and you're not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other." -Good Will Hunting
Here's the basic facts: I love Jarom. I've never been in love before. I didn't realize what it does to you.
I didn't realize that love is sort of a fog around a person. In the back of your mind you know they aren't perfect, but you sort of see them as a kind of perfect. Love creates this illusion. And then over time you, of course, get to know them better. You want to. You think you want to. To know all about them. But then you learn something. It's one of their biggest flaws, and suddenly, the illusion is shattered. Your bubble is popped in an instant.
It's not that you love them any less for it. And you still believe they don't need to be perfect because nobody is, and you never expected them to be, but now that they are no longer cloaked in your fantasies, they do not, can not, and will not look the same as they did before.
Now you have to find a new way of looking at them. You have to see them as a different kind of perfect. Perfect in all their flaws and weaknesses. Perfect in all their fears and insecurities.
“Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen
- Bob Marley
"(S)He's not perfect and you're not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other." -Good Will Hunting
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Summer Lovin Happened So Fast
Yes. I am in love. I know it happened fast, and believe me, being the logical person that I am I most definitely tried to talk myself out of it, but eventually I just gave in to what I was feeling.
His name is Jarom. He's amazing of course. Let me just say, that I find it very attractive when a man is respectful to women. More men should be this way.
So the title of this post is from the song Summer Nights in the musical Grease. And let me just say regarding summer nights, and summer days as well really, that this is my favorite time of year. It's fun and there's so much going on. It's exciting and everything seems better in the summer. As much as other people complain about it being warm and sticky, I don't mind it, and I prefer it to the cold winter days.
Anyway, my falling in love (for the first time ever) got me to thinking about summer flings. Why do so many people hook up in the summer time? So I did some reading.
Summer time is happy time. It's happy because of all the vitamin D we're getting, but also because the stress of school is a long distant memory.
Summer time is sexy time. Thanks to the glorious sunshine, we're all a bunch of hot messes. Guys, you're going topless whenever you can, and girls are breakin out the daisy dukes and bikinis. I guess sexy thoughts just come easier when we're all wearing less clothing.
Summer time is leisure time. We have more time for relationships. Once school starts, or whatever, we're back to real life. We have to step out of our fantasy vacation world and get back to being busy. There's less time for that person and that's why it usually ends.
Well, all I can say is, this guy is totally worth the work, and we're both agreed that when summer ends, our relationship will not.
His name is Jarom. He's amazing of course. Let me just say, that I find it very attractive when a man is respectful to women. More men should be this way.
So the title of this post is from the song Summer Nights in the musical Grease. And let me just say regarding summer nights, and summer days as well really, that this is my favorite time of year. It's fun and there's so much going on. It's exciting and everything seems better in the summer. As much as other people complain about it being warm and sticky, I don't mind it, and I prefer it to the cold winter days.
Anyway, my falling in love (for the first time ever) got me to thinking about summer flings. Why do so many people hook up in the summer time? So I did some reading.
Summer time is happy time. It's happy because of all the vitamin D we're getting, but also because the stress of school is a long distant memory.
Summer time is sexy time. Thanks to the glorious sunshine, we're all a bunch of hot messes. Guys, you're going topless whenever you can, and girls are breakin out the daisy dukes and bikinis. I guess sexy thoughts just come easier when we're all wearing less clothing.
Summer time is leisure time. We have more time for relationships. Once school starts, or whatever, we're back to real life. We have to step out of our fantasy vacation world and get back to being busy. There's less time for that person and that's why it usually ends.
Well, all I can say is, this guy is totally worth the work, and we're both agreed that when summer ends, our relationship will not.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Bugs
Summer is definitely the time for bugs. Let me give you a few examples. I'll start with the ones I hate the most. Palmetto bugs. It's southern for really big cockroach.
Yuck. And the worst part is that they fly. Sometimes we jokingly refer to them as our state bird. Anyway, these are definitely not fun.
The next kind is another undesirable type of bug, although much less terrifying. The mosquito. Simply walking into my backyard can get you roughly 20 bites from these guys. Or girls I should say since only the females suck your blood.
Yummy. But try not to worry about them too much. It's summertime and you will get bitten so put on some bug repellent and forget about it.
The next type of bug is, in my opinion, sort of cute, and much like butterflies, I don't mind having them crawl on me. Fireflies, or if you prefer: lighting bugs.
In summer, my little sister and I go out and catch as many as we can!
And lastly, and most recently is the rare (and more abstract): love bug.
Didn't see that one coming did you? Alright, so I don't know if it's love, but I sure do like this guy a lot. Tonight he took me to a Brave's game and put his arm around me during the game. Then he held my hand on the car ride home. On my front porch I thought that he was going to kiss me. A hug goodnight, and then we looked at each other. There was a tiny moment and then...another hug. It almost happened. Anyway, he's unlike anyone I've ever dated before.
Yuck. And the worst part is that they fly. Sometimes we jokingly refer to them as our state bird. Anyway, these are definitely not fun.
The next kind is another undesirable type of bug, although much less terrifying. The mosquito. Simply walking into my backyard can get you roughly 20 bites from these guys. Or girls I should say since only the females suck your blood.
Yummy. But try not to worry about them too much. It's summertime and you will get bitten so put on some bug repellent and forget about it.
The next type of bug is, in my opinion, sort of cute, and much like butterflies, I don't mind having them crawl on me. Fireflies, or if you prefer: lighting bugs.
In summer, my little sister and I go out and catch as many as we can!
And lastly, and most recently is the rare (and more abstract): love bug.
Didn't see that one coming did you? Alright, so I don't know if it's love, but I sure do like this guy a lot. Tonight he took me to a Brave's game and put his arm around me during the game. Then he held my hand on the car ride home. On my front porch I thought that he was going to kiss me. A hug goodnight, and then we looked at each other. There was a tiny moment and then...another hug. It almost happened. Anyway, he's unlike anyone I've ever dated before.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
My apologies
It has been much too long since I updated my blog. I just got caught up with summer and whatnot.
A lot has happened since I last wrote, but not as much as if I had been in school all this time. Some of the things I've done:
A lot has happened since I last wrote, but not as much as if I had been in school all this time. Some of the things I've done:
- Went to Six Flags
- Slept outside
- Been to a movie
- Shopped at yard sales, thrift stores, and Goodwill
- Went to a farmer's market
- Went on an awkward date
- Went on an awesome date
- Baked cupcakes
- Read books
- Skyped with best friend
- Cleaned my room (and promptly messed it back up again)
- Updated my wardrobe with upcycled clothing I worked on
- Babysat
- Cleaned houses for money
- Got my car fixed
- Went to the lake
- And of course, cross-country roadtrip
That's all for now. I could keep typing to make my life seem more interesting, but anyway, I just wanted to write down some of the things I did. I should really be making a better record of this awesome summer I'm having. Maybe I'll work on that today. I also need to find a job, but with only two months to work, I have little motivation.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
We made it!
I have finished taking all my finals. All that's left now is to pack up and move out.
This has been an interesting semester for me. My patience has been tried. I feel a little stronger, a little braver, and I feel humbled. This semester certainly has broken me down a few times to the point where I couldn't fix things all by myself and I had to ask for help. It has never been that I feel too good for the help of others, simply that I don't want to put them out by requiring their assistance.
Many of my relationships with people have been strengthened, and others I have seen the need to work harder for.
As this school year draws to a close, it has really stirred up feelings in me that are unexpected. For the past few months I have been feeling the senioritis big time, and I'm only a Junior. I have felt anxious to be done with school. I've been so sick of classes and homework, and the dating life in Utah (which is impossible for me). There's things: people, places, events, that I just want to leave behind. But as the end of this week has gotten nearer and nearer, I have been realizing that I really do only have one year left, and that it's not all entirely a good thing.
My best friend in the whole world, Marqi, and I have only known each other for a little over a year. In that time we have hardly been separated. We both keep saying how we only have a few more days with each other until we're separated for summer. It makes us both sad, but I believe that the real reason we're sad is that we know that in a year's time, we will be feeling this same way, only I won't be coming back after summer. The goodbyes we say this week a just a preview of the things we'll be feeling next year.
In addition to Marqi, I have really become close to a lot of the professors and staff members in my department. I'll have to say goodbye to them as well next year. It's hard when they've had such a big impact on my life. Not just through their lectures, but through the relationships we've built outside of class as well.
So while I am moving out of my apartment this week, I will be happy that I have one year left. Only one more year of classes and tests. One more glorious year I have with my friends. And you can be sure that next year I will soak in every moment, and take as many pictures to preserve the memories as I possibly can.
This has been an interesting semester for me. My patience has been tried. I feel a little stronger, a little braver, and I feel humbled. This semester certainly has broken me down a few times to the point where I couldn't fix things all by myself and I had to ask for help. It has never been that I feel too good for the help of others, simply that I don't want to put them out by requiring their assistance.
Many of my relationships with people have been strengthened, and others I have seen the need to work harder for.
As this school year draws to a close, it has really stirred up feelings in me that are unexpected. For the past few months I have been feeling the senioritis big time, and I'm only a Junior. I have felt anxious to be done with school. I've been so sick of classes and homework, and the dating life in Utah (which is impossible for me). There's things: people, places, events, that I just want to leave behind. But as the end of this week has gotten nearer and nearer, I have been realizing that I really do only have one year left, and that it's not all entirely a good thing.
My best friend in the whole world, Marqi, and I have only known each other for a little over a year. In that time we have hardly been separated. We both keep saying how we only have a few more days with each other until we're separated for summer. It makes us both sad, but I believe that the real reason we're sad is that we know that in a year's time, we will be feeling this same way, only I won't be coming back after summer. The goodbyes we say this week a just a preview of the things we'll be feeling next year.
In addition to Marqi, I have really become close to a lot of the professors and staff members in my department. I'll have to say goodbye to them as well next year. It's hard when they've had such a big impact on my life. Not just through their lectures, but through the relationships we've built outside of class as well.
So while I am moving out of my apartment this week, I will be happy that I have one year left. Only one more year of classes and tests. One more glorious year I have with my friends. And you can be sure that next year I will soak in every moment, and take as many pictures to preserve the memories as I possibly can.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Here's my problem with pop culture:
Pop culture itself isn't the problem. Those who subscribe to it are.
Let me explain. While they are very mainstream, and I don't like them as people, music artists like Lady Gaga and Kesha have found their way onto my Zune (for those of you unfamiliar, Zune is Micrsoft's response to the iPod) because their songs are catchy and I enjoy them.
I also have a number of other artists in my music collection, many of them I doubt any of my friends have even heard of. I like A Fine Frenzy, Kate Nash, She and Him, Eel, The Knocks, and The Like just to name a few. Their's is music I really love and really fits my personal style.
So here's the problem then...many people are just sheep following the masses. If it's on the American Top 40 they like it, and they also make no attempt to discover their own taste in music. Here's an example. When I was 11, I LOVED ABBA music. Loved it. Granted, it had already been discovered by many other people...in the eighties...when I hadn't been born. Years later when I got to college, a movie called Mamma Mia was released, a movie based on the music of ABBA. Suddenly all of my friends were into the music I had been obsessed with and gotten over years before.
This pattern has repeated throughout my life. My problem with pop culture is that it determines what people are interested in rather than people choosing for themselves what they are interested in and determining pop culture.
Pop culture itself isn't the problem. Those who subscribe to it are.
Let me explain. While they are very mainstream, and I don't like them as people, music artists like Lady Gaga and Kesha have found their way onto my Zune (for those of you unfamiliar, Zune is Micrsoft's response to the iPod) because their songs are catchy and I enjoy them.
I also have a number of other artists in my music collection, many of them I doubt any of my friends have even heard of. I like A Fine Frenzy, Kate Nash, She and Him, Eel, The Knocks, and The Like just to name a few. Their's is music I really love and really fits my personal style.
So here's the problem then...many people are just sheep following the masses. If it's on the American Top 40 they like it, and they also make no attempt to discover their own taste in music. Here's an example. When I was 11, I LOVED ABBA music. Loved it. Granted, it had already been discovered by many other people...in the eighties...when I hadn't been born. Years later when I got to college, a movie called Mamma Mia was released, a movie based on the music of ABBA. Suddenly all of my friends were into the music I had been obsessed with and gotten over years before.
This pattern has repeated throughout my life. My problem with pop culture is that it determines what people are interested in rather than people choosing for themselves what they are interested in and determining pop culture.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Blog makeover
In honor of spring/summer, I have updated my blog background courtesy of Cutest Blog on the Block. This is seriously one of my favorite websites. They have all sorts of free stuff for your blog. Y'all should check it out :)
Today is a day of happiness
AWESOME:
I am done going to classes! Well...this semester anyway.
Next week is finals, and while I still have a lot to do in preparation for leaving Cedar City for the summer, almost none of it involves homework, and I have no more classes to attend.
It was really stressful there for a while. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but here I am.
Now I can say goodbye to the classes I didn't like, goodbye to douchey guys, and goodbye to this small town.
Now I have to say goodbye to classes I loved, goodbye to friends I'll miss, and goodbye to my beautiful southern Utah.
AWKWARD:
Actually not as much awkward as embarrassing. Yesterday, one of my favorite teachers (we work in the same office suite) asked me if I had eaten. (I hadn't because I often am too busy or forget to eat). I told him no and he said I looked like I was going to pass out and told me he was going to buy me some food. How nice! But I did feel a little embarrassed and told him he didn't have to buy me anything. He bought me pretzels and juice anyway. There are some really great teachers here.
Anyway, sorry for the boring post. Just wanted to update the world wide web on my life.
I am done going to classes! Well...this semester anyway.
Next week is finals, and while I still have a lot to do in preparation for leaving Cedar City for the summer, almost none of it involves homework, and I have no more classes to attend.
It was really stressful there for a while. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but here I am.
Now I can say goodbye to the classes I didn't like, goodbye to douchey guys, and goodbye to this small town.
Now I have to say goodbye to classes I loved, goodbye to friends I'll miss, and goodbye to my beautiful southern Utah.
AWKWARD:
Actually not as much awkward as embarrassing. Yesterday, one of my favorite teachers (we work in the same office suite) asked me if I had eaten. (I hadn't because I often am too busy or forget to eat). I told him no and he said I looked like I was going to pass out and told me he was going to buy me some food. How nice! But I did feel a little embarrassed and told him he didn't have to buy me anything. He bought me pretzels and juice anyway. There are some really great teachers here.
Anyway, sorry for the boring post. Just wanted to update the world wide web on my life.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I have the best family ever. It's official.
So lately, all of my journal entries have tended to look a lot like this:
Today was a hard day. I have lots of homework. I'm really stressed. I wish I was dead.
Just joking about that last sentence. But the point is that what I write has been filled with stress and wishing for the summer to be here. Like now. This coming week is going to be the most intense part before the semester ends, and I'm dreading it.
But then my mom called me. I've been feeling pretty homesick, so of course I answered. She asked me what I'm doing next weekend (Easter weekend, three day weekend, Brenna stays at the apartment alone weekend), "nothing," I said. Then she asked me how I would like it if she bought me a plane ticket and I came home.
I burst into tears of happiness. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I have been desperately needing to see my family. It's a long weekend, so no classes missed. It gives me something to look forward to. AND it's that last weekend for me to see a building that is religiously important to me before it closes to the public. All I could do was cry and thank her.
My family is great. They get better. My dear little sister Macy, who is 16, interrupted my mother on the phone to give her all the cash she has to help pay for my ticket. I asked my mom if Macy was sure, and she put her on the phone so I could ask her myself. "Yeah! I miss you and I love you and I just want you to be able to come home this weekend." More crying.
Even now, I don't know what to say. I'm just so happy and excited. I have a renewed sense of energy, and getting through a few more pages of these essays I have to write is going to be so much easier.
I love my family.
Today was a hard day. I have lots of homework. I'm really stressed. I wish I was dead.
Just joking about that last sentence. But the point is that what I write has been filled with stress and wishing for the summer to be here. Like now. This coming week is going to be the most intense part before the semester ends, and I'm dreading it.
But then my mom called me. I've been feeling pretty homesick, so of course I answered. She asked me what I'm doing next weekend (Easter weekend, three day weekend, Brenna stays at the apartment alone weekend), "nothing," I said. Then she asked me how I would like it if she bought me a plane ticket and I came home.
I burst into tears of happiness. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I have been desperately needing to see my family. It's a long weekend, so no classes missed. It gives me something to look forward to. AND it's that last weekend for me to see a building that is religiously important to me before it closes to the public. All I could do was cry and thank her.
My family is great. They get better. My dear little sister Macy, who is 16, interrupted my mother on the phone to give her all the cash she has to help pay for my ticket. I asked my mom if Macy was sure, and she put her on the phone so I could ask her myself. "Yeah! I miss you and I love you and I just want you to be able to come home this weekend." More crying.
Even now, I don't know what to say. I'm just so happy and excited. I have a renewed sense of energy, and getting through a few more pages of these essays I have to write is going to be so much easier.
I love my family.
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