I don't want to do any of this anymore

I'm tired. I need to graduate. I need to move away. I need to start a new life. I need to focus on pleasing only myself.
I don't want to compete anymore. Not for grades, not for attention, and definitely not to be the best.
I don't want to worry about what other people think anymore. Not friends, teachers, and definitely not boys.
I don't want to carry baggage from my past anymore.
I don't want to dress to impress anymore.
I don't want to study anymore.
I don't want to be boxed in anymore. I want to express myself without fear of failure.
I don't want to be friends with my friends anymore, I don't want to live here anymore, and I don't want this life anymore.
Get me out of here!

Why The World Doesn't Need Superman

(writer's note: I wrote this as a passive aggressive way of telling everyone how much that one guy hurt me. Because he like Superman so much, Superman represents him in this creative non-fiction piece. Since not everyone knew that about him, nobody really knows it was about him. The title is taken from an article written by Lois Lane in one of the Superman movies. So without further ado...)

I’ve always believed that Superman is inferior to many other superheroes.  At first glance, Superman appears to be pretty great. He has a plethora of superpowers, he saves lives, and he has a flashy costume, but these things disguise the fact, that not only is he just an ordinary guy in a cape, but also that having the appearance of flawlessness is simply not as desirable as people believe it to be.

The mere fact that he is more or less indestructible is enough to turn me off.  Face it, anytime you have a protagonist who’s only weakness is some rare rock from outer space, the plot gets real boring, real fast. Who wants to see/read about a hero who is completely unafraid of going into battle against their enemy, and is not only hopeful for a win, but is utterly and completely confident beyond all doubt that they will? And then does? Superman would be more relatable if he ran into some hard times once in a while. In addition, Superman is equipped with many, many superpowers. If he couldn’t solve a problem with his current skill set, the writers simply gave him a power that would help him do that.

Superman fights crime, but he doesn’t solve it. He is a mindless, law-upholding shell of someone who should be able to think for themself but can’t. Or won’t. What I mean is this: where another superhero would convince a criminal to drop their gun and walk away from a life of crime, Superman would rather melt that gun with his heat-vision, put the criminal behind bars, and turn them into a thug in just a few months after they are released.

Superman is not a hero. Perhaps Lois Lane said it best in Superman Returns after Superman leaves Metropolis:

"From the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. He seemed too good to be true. A man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. A man who never lied. A man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero. He chose to fight for truth, justice and the American way, And we chose to believe. Does a hero walk out on his family? Walk away from his children? After letting us place our hopes on him, his disappearance must be seen nothing short of abandonment. We must ask our selves if Superman returned would we welcome him back? Could he heal the scars he left behind? We have learned from our bad judgement, and we are not prepared to make the same mistake again.  He has lost our trust, he betrayed us. He turned his us back on us and walked away. We would have to question his motives for his return.

She then goes on to explain a real hero. The ones around us. The ones without superpowers or capes. The ones that don’t attempt to hide who they really are behind a thin disguise of a pair of glasses. Teachers, policemen, firefighters, and parents.

“Does one have to have superpowers, special abilities or incredible talent to be a considerable one? Well that's what we’ve been led to believe. We put our trust, not in God, but in Superman – In Superman We Trust. We trusted you, we all trusted you…I trusted you. Does he feel remorse, guilt or shame? Does he simply not care? Perhaps he really is a Man of Steel – cold, emotionless and hardened by his own immortality. Would he say sorry?”

She concludes by saying that it would have been better if Superman had never come at all, and I would agree with her.  He was never the super man that everyone was fooled into thinking he was, and there are heroes, super and other wise, that are far superior to him. Like Batman.

...And We're Back!

It sure has been a while since I posted.

Lately I've been on a journey of self-discovery. Well...of re-self-discovery. Of re-discovering myself. Whatever. I had begun identifying myself as that one guy's other half. I was re-shaping my entire life to include him, and then suddenly he was gone. Suddenly I had to be an independent person again, and I had no idea how to do that. You don't just wake up one day and realize who you are. It's a process, not an event. So, here's how I began (note that this process may be different for you):

1. I had a realization. I hadn't done anything for myself in a long time. Everything was all about him, or about other people (teachers, friends, boss, etc.) So I made a couple days all about me. I took off work. I went to the library. I only did the things I wanted to do. I read some books, I ate junk food, and I watched (500) Days of Summer. Twice.
2. I had another realization. I didn't believe any of the bullcrap cliche's everyone was telling me. The only person I was going to believe, I realized, was myself. So immediately, I stopped all of the negative self-talk. I stopped telling myself who I wasn't and started telling myself who I was. And I told other people. It was important that I told other people how I awesome I am (the people who already knew, I didn't want to sound like I was boasting to people I barely knew). Somehow, saying it out loud made it real. My self esteem has been getting re-built, just through that simple act.
3. I don't really have a three. Mainly, it's just the continuance of these things. Doing things for myself, getting back into hobbies and things I enjoy doing, and having positive self-talk.

I really love reading (young adult fantasy lit), listening to music (Regina Spektor and She and Him are a couple favorites), listening to podcasts (check out This American Life, The Moth, and We're Alive), and sewing (Pinterest and Stumbleupon are huge time wasters, but huge inspiration boosters for crafts).

"I am a block of wood" (And another big change)

One of my favorite movies (despite the cheesiness) is Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. There's a lot of really great lessons in it. One of the characters, Mahoney, feels stuck.  Her boss, and mentor, gives her what he calls, a congreve cube. Mahoney insists it is just a block of wood.  Her boss asks her what she thinks she could do with it. "I'm sure I could think of a million things to do with a block of wood," she says. "Of course there are a million things you could do with a block of wood, Mahoney, but what do you think would happen, if someone, just once, believed in it."

Of course this confused me the first time I watched it, and Mahoney too, until the end of the movie. Her friend, the "mutant" (accountant) is a disbeliever of magic through the whole movie until right at the end. He says, "Now...I believe that you can make it be anything that you want. It's you. You...are a block of wood."

She then proceeds to make all sorts of magic happen. For the first time, I am seriously considering grad school. I didn't think I was cut out for it. How could I be? But just two days ago, one of my professors, whom I greatly admire told me that I would do very well. He said he would write me a letter of recommendation, and he doesn't do that for anyone. Today he told me that he knows I would do so well, that if I wanted to stay here for grad school, he would fight for me to have a tuition waiver AND a paid assistantship. I am a block of wood. Someone believes in me, and I actually feel like maybe I could do some really great things. "What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed."
And that's what I need.

Big changes

Big: I got a new job
Bigger: I'm not getting married to Jarom


I will now be working for a man named Raymond Grant (google him. He's legit.) I will be doing a little marketing, a little social media management, and a little event planning. More pay. Looks better on a resume. I'll miss my co-workers.

Jarom has courageously revealed to me some major character flaws and it is in my best interest not to marry him.  anger management issues, compulsive liar, pornography addict. We're still friends. Things are weird. And I hate that I can't make myself hate him for it.

UPDATE: I can now hate him for it. I have found out that he cheated on me. What a great man he is.

TMI

I've never been to a lady doctor before, and I used to be terrified of going to the gynecologist. Today I say: bring it on.

Today is the one day out of every month that it is absolutely necessary for me to stay home and I can't.  I have severe cramps. They are worse than most women have them. Many of my girlfriends don't even have cramps. Ever. Which is a complete injustice by the way.  Mine are so bad that they interfere with my life and cause me to be unable to function, only today I am unable to stay home and lay in bed until it's over. So I'm at work. Where I cannot lay down and I must keep a smile on my face to fool everyone around me. Didn't I take something for it? Of course I did. I took four ibuprofen. It didn't help.

Cramps like these make me want to do one of two things: either punch everyone I see in the face, or curl up on the floor in the fetal position and cry.  I feel like I have the right to act like a total bitch on days like this. Oh, and I swear a lot.

I'm getting married in about eight months. Before that time I will have to visit a gynecologist and get a birth control prescription. I say, if it will help my cramps, why wait? It's for me and for the safety of everyone around me.

Weekend Blues

The first week of school is over. It's the first real weekend without Jarom. Honestly, I didn't miss him too much during the week. I thought about him, but I didn't really have time to miss him, I was always moving on to the next thing.

It's now barely the weekend and I am feeling so depressed.  Went to a comedian tonight. She was wonderful, but laughing felt like a chore. It was heavy, and when I forced myself to laugh in hopes to "fake it till ya make it", it felt unnatural and uncomfortable.  So I stopped. No laughing for me. On the car ride over to my friend Melissa's house, music was playing, but singing was wrong. It just felt wrong. I couldn't bring myself to sing. That's a happy thing.  I felt hungry for something that I didn't have, and probably wouldn't even know what it was if I saw it anyway.  It seems that there is a gaping hole in my life. A hole that can only be filled by Jarom. Everything felt wrong tonight because it could only have been right with him beside me.

I got into my car and I cried. Not just cried. I sobbed. Loudly. To myself because there is no one to share my feelings with.  The whole way to the store I cried and wondered out loud about the possible ways around this.  There were few, and even those were extremely improbable. There is no way out of this. I feel completely trapped.  Like I'm a hostage being held here against my will.

How can I possibly make it through this? One week down fifteen more to go. And then there's spring semester.