The first week of school is over. It's the first real weekend without Jarom. Honestly, I didn't miss him too much during the week. I thought about him, but I didn't really have time to miss him, I was always moving on to the next thing.
It's now barely the weekend and I am feeling so depressed. Went to a comedian tonight. She was wonderful, but laughing felt like a chore. It was heavy, and when I forced myself to laugh in hopes to "fake it till ya make it", it felt unnatural and uncomfortable. So I stopped. No laughing for me. On the car ride over to my friend Melissa's house, music was playing, but singing was wrong. It just felt wrong. I couldn't bring myself to sing. That's a happy thing. I felt hungry for something that I didn't have, and probably wouldn't even know what it was if I saw it anyway. It seems that there is a gaping hole in my life. A hole that can only be filled by Jarom. Everything felt wrong tonight because it could only have been right with him beside me.
I got into my car and I cried. Not just cried. I sobbed. Loudly. To myself because there is no one to share my feelings with. The whole way to the store I cried and wondered out loud about the possible ways around this. There were few, and even those were extremely improbable. There is no way out of this. I feel completely trapped. Like I'm a hostage being held here against my will.
How can I possibly make it through this? One week down fifteen more to go. And then there's spring semester.
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