Becoming Brenna

                                              

This summer has been the best summer of my life. Have I said that already? It has. There are so many reasons why this summer has been so wonderful. I've already mentioned all of the fun and exciting things I got to do over the past few months. I mean, it's nothing like travelling to Europe or skydiving or anything like that, just traditional summer type things.

All of those little somethings really add up though. And of course there are some big things that happened to me this summer.

For one thing, I became way better friends with my little sister this summer. I feel like our relationship has really been strengthened. We're not just sisters now. We're friends, and that is really important to me.

I fell in love. Yes, I've already mentioned this several times, but it is a big deal. Jarom has had a huge impact on my life.  Being with him has turned me into the best version of myself. Which brings me to the next thing.

Self-improvement.  You remember how at the end of the school year I felt a little lost? I felt as though my identity was sort of slipping away. Letting go of the honors program was really hard because that has been who I am the entire time I've been in college.  That was all I was actually. I wasn't much more than books and honors activities.  This summer has been a pathway to self-discovery. I feel a much more defined sense of self. I may not know precisely where I'm going or how I'm getting there, but I know who I am and that means so much. I'm unique. I do have talents. I may not be a superstar at any one thing in particular, but I have many skills. I know a little about a lot of things. I'm in a stable, mature relationship. I have become stronger in my religion. I know what my priorities are in life.

This summer I became Brenna. I became myself again, and actually improved on whatever was there before. I am the best me I have ever been and things are looking good. The future is not something to fear, it's something to look forward to. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy every moment of the present. Life is pretty darn good.

A Post You Can Ignore

So. This isn't a post that is meant for your entertainment. This is a post meant to help me sort out my feelings. Feel free to stop reading. Right. Now.

Here's the basic facts: I love Jarom. I've never been in love before. I didn't realize what it does to you.

I didn't realize that love is sort of a fog around a person.  In the back of your mind you know they aren't perfect, but you sort of see them as a kind of perfect. Love creates this illusion.  And then over time you, of course, get to know them better. You want to. You think you want to. To know all about them. But then you learn something. It's one of their biggest flaws, and suddenly, the illusion is shattered. Your bubble is popped in an instant.

It's not that you love them any less for it.  And you still believe they don't need to be perfect because nobody is, and you never expected them to be, but now that they are no longer cloaked in your fantasies, they do not, can not, and will not look the same as they did before.

Now you have to find a new way of looking at them. You have to see them as a different kind of perfect. Perfect in all their flaws and weaknesses. Perfect in all their fears and insecurities.

“Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
- Bob Marley


"(S)He's not perfect and you're not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other." -Good Will Hunting

Summer Lovin Happened So Fast

Yes. I am in love. I know it happened fast, and believe me, being the logical person that I am I most definitely tried to talk myself out of it, but eventually I just gave in to what I was feeling.

His name is Jarom. He's amazing of course. Let me just say, that I find it very attractive when a man is respectful to women. More men should be this way.

So the title of this post is from the song Summer Nights in the musical Grease. And let me just say regarding summer nights, and summer days as well really, that this is my favorite time of year.  It's fun and there's so much going on. It's exciting and everything seems better in the summer. As much as other people complain about it being warm and sticky, I don't mind it, and I prefer it to the cold winter days.

Anyway, my falling in love (for the first time ever) got me to thinking about summer flings. Why do so many people hook up in the summer time? So I did some reading.
Summer time is happy time. It's happy because of all the vitamin D we're getting, but also because the stress of school is a long distant memory.
Summer time is sexy time. Thanks to the glorious sunshine, we're all a bunch of hot messes. Guys, you're going topless whenever you can, and girls are breakin out the daisy dukes and bikinis. I guess sexy thoughts just come easier when we're all wearing less clothing.
Summer time is leisure time. We have more time for relationships. Once school starts, or whatever, we're back to real life. We have to step out of our fantasy vacation world and get back to being busy. There's less time for that person and that's why it usually ends.

Well, all I can say is, this guy is totally worth the work, and we're both agreed that when summer ends, our relationship will not.

Bugs

Summer is definitely the time for bugs. Let me give you a few examples. I'll start with the ones I hate the most. Palmetto bugs. It's southern for really big cockroach.



Yuck. And the worst part is that they fly. Sometimes we jokingly refer to them as our state bird. Anyway, these are definitely not fun.

The next kind is another undesirable type of bug, although much less terrifying. The mosquito. Simply walking into my backyard can get you roughly 20 bites from these guys. Or girls I should say since only the females suck your blood.



Yummy. But try not to worry about them too much. It's summertime and you will get bitten so put on some bug repellent and forget about it.

The next type of bug is, in my opinion, sort of cute, and much like butterflies, I don't mind having them crawl on me. Fireflies, or if you prefer: lighting bugs.



In summer, my little sister and I go out and catch as many as we can!

And lastly, and most recently is the rare (and more abstract): love bug.


Didn't see that one coming did you? Alright, so I don't know if it's love, but I sure do like this guy a lot. Tonight he took me to a Brave's game and put his arm around me during the game. Then he held my hand on the car ride home.  On my front porch I thought that he was going to kiss me. A hug goodnight, and then we looked at each other. There was a tiny moment and then...another hug. It almost happened. Anyway, he's unlike anyone I've ever dated before.

My apologies

It has been much too long since I updated my blog. I just got caught up with summer and whatnot.

A lot has happened since I last wrote, but not as much as if I had been in school all this time. Some of the things I've done:

• Went to Six Flags
• Slept outside
• Been to a movie
• Shopped at yard sales, thrift stores, and Goodwill
• Went to a farmer's market
• Went on an awkward date
• Went on an awesome date
• Baked cupcakes
• Read books
• Skyped with best friend
• Cleaned my room (and promptly messed it back up again)
• Updated my wardrobe with upcycled clothing I worked on
• Babysat
• Cleaned houses for money
• Got my car fixed
• Went to the lake
• And of course, cross-country roadtrip

That's all for now. I could keep typing to make my life seem more interesting, but anyway, I just wanted to write down some of the things I did. I should really be making a better record of this awesome summer I'm having. Maybe I'll work on that today. I also need to find a job, but with only two months to work, I have little motivation.

We made it!

I have finished taking all my finals. All that's left now is to pack up and move out.

This has been an interesting semester for me. My patience has been tried. I feel a little stronger, a little braver, and I feel humbled. This semester certainly has broken me down a few times to the point where I couldn't fix things all by myself and I had to ask for help.  It has never been that I feel too good for the help of others, simply that I don't want to put them out by requiring their assistance.

Many of my relationships with people have been strengthened, and others I have seen the need to work harder for.

As this school year draws to a close, it has really stirred up feelings in me that are unexpected.  For the past few months I have been feeling the senioritis big time, and I'm only a Junior.  I have felt anxious to be done with school. I've been so sick of classes and homework, and the dating life in Utah (which is impossible for me). There's things: people, places, events, that I just want to leave behind. But as the end of this week has gotten nearer and nearer, I have been realizing that I really do only have one year left, and that it's not all entirely a good thing.

My best friend in the whole world, Marqi, and I have only known each other for a little over a year. In that time we have hardly been separated. We both keep saying how we only have a few more days with each other until we're separated for summer. It makes us both sad, but I believe that the real reason we're sad is that we know that in a year's time, we will be feeling this same way, only I won't be coming back after summer. The goodbyes we say this week a just a preview of the things we'll be feeling next year.

In addition to Marqi, I have really become close to a lot of the professors and staff members in my department.  I'll have to say goodbye to them as well next year. It's hard when they've had such a big impact on my life. Not just through their lectures, but through the relationships we've built outside of class as well.

So while I am moving out of my apartment this week, I will be happy that I have one year left. Only one more year of classes and tests. One more glorious year I have with my friends. And you can be sure that next year I will soak in every moment, and take as many pictures to preserve the memories as I possibly can.

Here's my problem with pop culture:

Pop culture itself isn't the problem. Those who subscribe to it are.

Let me explain.  While they are very mainstream, and I don't like them as people, music artists like Lady Gaga and Kesha have found their way onto my Zune (for those of you unfamiliar, Zune is Micrsoft's response to the iPod) because their songs are catchy and I enjoy them.

I also have a number of other artists in my music collection, many of them I doubt any of my friends have even heard of.  I like A Fine Frenzy, Kate Nash, She and Him, Eel, The Knocks, and The Like just to name a few.  Their's is music I really love and really fits my personal style.

So here's the problem then...many people are just sheep following the masses.  If it's on the American Top 40 they like it, and they also make no attempt to discover their own taste in music.  Here's an example. When I was 11, I LOVED ABBA music. Loved it. Granted, it had already been discovered by many other people...in the eighties...when I hadn't been born.  Years later when I got to college, a movie called Mamma Mia was released, a movie based on the music of ABBA. Suddenly all of my friends were into the music I had been obsessed with and gotten over years before.

This pattern has repeated throughout my life.  My problem with pop culture is that it determines what people are interested in rather than people choosing for themselves what they are interested in and determining pop culture.